Irreconcilable Differences - Or, How to Save a Marriage
by Andrew McDonald
The outcome of a relationship need not be left to fate, whether social, genetic or even astrological. The author advances a highly personal view and applies horary traditional techniques on repairing troubled unions. Almost counter-intuitively this involves clients being encouraged to focus less on their feelings…
The problem with approaching many counsellors with the difficulties of
your rocky marriage is that most therapies have a bias, whether implicit
or explicit, towards a kind of determinism: “This is happening
because of (...) occurring when you were (...)” – fill in the
blanks with particular traumatic life events and age. And the problem with
approaching most astrologers for guidance on a rocky marriage is that
they, too, are working from a deterministic bias: “This is
happening because of (...) on your (...)” – fill in the blanks with
planets and position in the astrological chart.
A deterministic bias tends toward the belief that one cannot do anything in or about a situation. The outcome of that situation is simply due to ‘fate’, whether this fate is determined by social, genetic or astrological means. A moment of reflection could tell us how limited this approach is when it comes to trying to save a marriage. Deterministic bias has a lot to answer for.
Now of course I also working from a bias. My bias is that no matter what is wrong in your marriage I believe you can do something about it(1). Why do I believe this?
Because having worked with clients who presented me with difficulties in their marriages and relationships, which on first sight astrologically looked very bleak, I have seen these clients choose change, and save their relationship. Why didn’t they do this before? Answer: they simply did not know they had a choice. They were coming from a deterministic bias.
For instance, the amount of times a client has told me something similar to the following statement is shocking:
I always thought we would be together forever but when things started going wrong I kept thinking back to when I was 12 and my parents split up and then I could just feel the weight, the sheer inevitability of everything that was happening to me...
Whether they felt this because of their upbringing, genetic inheritance or Saturn makes no difference at all as the result is the same: “I can’t do anything about it”. Well, as both therapist and astrologer I am here to tell you that this is wrong. You can do something about it. You can save your marriage.
Well, I might be prepared to change but what if he (or she) won’t change? What then? Don’t they have to change? What if they don’t want to change? What happens then?
For answers to these questions, read on...
Many astrologers, both traditional and modern, will tell you that the
love of your life is about to walk through the door – or indeed out of
the door. They will analyse why you and your lover get on or why you
don’t, using synastry, midpoints, harmonics, parts, this chart,
that aspect, this, that and the other. Very few will tell you the best
thing to do when Cupid fires his arrow. Even fewer will tell you what to
do when Cupid’s arrows seem to have missed their target and the
once besotted lover is preparing to walk out the door. Of course, it is
all simply fate. Or is it?
What you do changes things. More pertinently what you choose to do changes things.
I hear:
You can’t change your partner! He or she has to want to change!
Wrong. You can change how you behave and that in turn will change how your partner behaves. Naturally, she or he will not change into someone completely different. But this should not surprise us – if they miraculously changed into someone else then you would never have been attracted to them in the first place. It is changes in behaviour that we seek. After all, in many senses you already know what is wrong in your relationship. And no, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your past; their past or anyone else’s past (or ‘past lives’ for that matter). It is to do with what is happening here and now. And believe it or not, there are things you can do to change this.
Using horary as a tool, one can steer the relationship away from the rocks, away from a wreck, even if it looks that way in a chart. A relationship crashing and disintegrating is not as inevitable as it seems.
My approach grew out of my therapy practice. I thought it better to offer clients strategies to keep a long-term relationship together rather than telling them to walk. I analyse the situation, even if on the surface it looks hopeless and then guide a client to modify their behavior in a manner that is likely to cause a corresponding change in their partner’s behaviour – often salvaging, and indeed reviving, their relationship. This approach will not always be successful – nothing is infallible – yet even in the worst outcomes, if someone does something practical yet different to save their relationship they come to a clearer awareness of where they stand. This is vastly preferable to being stuck in repeating the same old patterns. Often clients say,
Why should I be the one to change – why can’t they change!?
The answer is that either of you can decide to act differently.
The major point is, it is the client who contacted me, not their partner. Therefore, I strongly suggest that it is the client who would be wise to decide to take action and set the ball rolling.
Irreconcilable differences
Therapists often advise divorce as a difficult but
viable and sometimes even sensible option when a marriage breaks down.
‘Irreconcilable differences’ are, by definition,
irreconcilable. My experience tells me that such differences are often
ineptly named. Too often, well-meaning therapists, or indeed astrologers,
offer their clients advice based on the hidden premise of
self-individuation. This means that individual needs are not being met in
the relationship and it this factor that is the key and the final arbiter
of whether the union can be saved. Though meeting individual needs is
important in any relationship, it is not the final criterion in my view.
There is often a failure to see the relationship as a thing in itself, as
an entity in its own right, with its own wants and needs. Using
traditional astrology there is a way of moving beyond this and seeing the
bigger picture. In so doing we see the relationship as a meeting of two.
And the interaction between husband and wife (or whatever) as a dance.
When one treads upon the other’s toes (rather than suddenly stop),
we have a choice; if we learn some new steps, the dance can restart and
go on late into a moonlit night.
Though I use a combination of natal and horary astrology in approaching relationship problems I tend to start with horary to give a picture of the relationship and its difficulties in the present moment. The planets traditionally used to signify the client are Lord Ascendant and the Moon plus the Sun if the client is a man and Venus if a woman. Lord 7 is the marriage partner together with Sun as husband or Venus as wife. Not forgetting Lord 5 – who often signifies sex and is also the significator of any children, as contrary to popular belief, children are ‘in’ the marriage, too. And (last but not least) the Part of Marriage: Ascendant + 7th house cusp-Venus. This part signifies the relationship as an entity in its own right and works well whether it is used for a male or female client. Venus in the context of this part signifies the romance that helps weld two into one. Horary is an effective tool to analyse the immediate situation.
However, an over-exuberant interest in uncovering hidden motives can lead us astray. Instead we need to look at what people are doing. Actions speak louder than words, especially in a marriage.
How to save a marriage
I am using the horary chart of an exceedingly tempestuous relationship. A client came to me with problems in her relationship. She told me that in the previous January she had experienced an ‘epiphany’ where she clearly knew, “He’s not the one for me”.
She asked her partner to move out of their home in February. He eventually moved out at the end of March. She then moved out herself in May. And yet by the autumn she was having second thoughts. She contacted me for a consultation and asked,
Is there a future in this relationship?
As befitting a torrid love affair this is a complex chart. Let us see what is going on.
The client clearly loves Lord 7 Mars as both lover
and friend, as is seen by Lord Ascendant in the sign and triplicity of
Mars. But the way she is acting is causing problems to her – she is in her
detriment – and she is hurting herself emotionally as can be seen by Lord
Ascendant in the fall of the Moon, her heart and emotions. So, she loves
him but knows she shouldn’t; or it’s not in her interest; or
she is simply acting in a self-defeating manner. She is ruled by him and
sitting retrograde within his house. She is thinking of returning, of
going back to him. He has power over her. This is love indeed and it
renders the client powerless.
The client’s emotions are signified by the Moon. Her emotions love Mercury Lord 2. This could be her self-esteem or her possessions. Her partner clearly loves her as can be seen by Lord 7 in major Venus dignities; he also exalts Saturn which could signify him giving too much thought to the past and over-exaggerating the problems in the relationship. Mars is also keen on Mercury as is seen by Mars in the triplicity of Mercury; he wants her to think well of him, to like him. The way he is acting in the situation is harming him as a person and as a man as can be seen by Mars in its own detriment and in the fall of the Sun.
If we look at him primarily as a man, we see he is interested in himself. This is shown by the Sun being in all Mars dignities. This attitude causes problems to her and her emotions as can be seen by the Sun being in the detriment of Lord Ascendant and the Moon. This is a clear picture of his self-interest hurting Venus and the Moon. It also suggests that though he does not ‘want’ her, he does still want her to think well of him as a friend, as Mars is in the triplicity of Mercury, signifying her esteem. But Mercury is in the fall of the Sun and the detriment of Mars. So, it doesn’t value him. Also, his wanting her to like him as a friend harms him. The Moon is separating from Mars – in a sense her emotions have left him.
Why did she have an epiphany in the previous January when she clearly decided that he was not ‘the one’ for her? If we look back to where her emotions have been we see they have moved from a Venus sign, where they were heightened by the Moon being in its exaltation; this also corresponded with the Moon being in the detriment of Lord 7 Mars. She decided that she didn’t love him anymore and was more interested in herself, as the Moon was also in major Venus dignities. Now whatever love is, I can tell you it isn’t simply an emotion. The confusion that love is somehow an emotion causes more problems to relationships than you can imagine. I strongly suggest to anyone having difficulties in their relationship that if you allow yourself to be dictated to by your emotions you will only cause more damage.
In this particular case we see someone who is swayed by giving too much importance to their emotions and her man is hurting. Mars, too, is in its own detriment because despite how she is behaving towards him, he clearly still loves her. She is moving back towards the Sun: this suggests she does still ‘fancy him’ as a man as she is ‘under the Sun’s beams’(2). If she continues to move backwards, in time she will be combust(3): this suggests the potential of an increase in her attraction toward him.
Mars is ruler of Venus and Venus is ruler of Mars. Both planets love each other but both are in their detriment. This suggests that they are vulnerable, hurting themselves by how they behave. The Sun recently changed sign from the fall and detriment of Mars into the house of Mars. He has moved from a man wanting her as a woman to where he decides he no longer wants her, and he has to start thinking about himself. As a man he is now completely interested in himself and feels he deserves attention, as seen by the Sun in all Mars dignities on the cusp of the 7th house. This can often be a crucial time where another woman might intervene. The man is not getting any attention from his partner so someone else decides they will give it to him instead. As he thinks he deserves some attention he responds in kind. This can dramatically complicate an already tricky situation!
To look at the relationship as a thing in its own right,
we use the Part of Marriage and its ruler. The Part of Marriage falls in
the 12th house, the client’s house of self-undoing. The ruler of
the Part of Marriage is Mars and Mars falls in the 6th house. This
suggests the relationship is sick or ill. Mars is also ruled by Venus the
client. Why is the relationship ill? It is ill because of Venus. Yet Venus
is ruled by Mars. Mars signifies both the relationship and the man
himself and with the Moon separating from a trine with Mars, her emotions
have left him. Yet she as a person still desperately wants the
relationship and he as a man wants it too, as shown by Lord Ascendant and
the Sun in major Mars dignities.
Fortuna (not shown), signifying her heart’s desire in the situation, is on the 8th-house cusp conjunct the South Node. This looks like sadness, as if she has to give up what she really wants. Jupiter rules Fortuna and the 8th house: this is the house of death. And Jupiter is in the 5th house where it in turn is ruled by the Sun. So maybe the client’s fortune, the treasure she seeks, is a happy end to the situation or perhaps she is thinking that if she continues in this manner, she may give up on ever having children. Her feelings are clearly working against what she really wants as can be seen by the Moon perfecting an opposition with Fortuna. Lord Ascendant in a fixed sign in the 7th house suggests the client can only see herself in a relationship with him. And yet because the emotional connection is no longer there, she is stuck.
In order to move forward she needs to act differently.
I suggested to her that she start by getting her head out of the
situation. This enabled her to take a step back which gained her
objectivity. She needed to realise that although her feelings had
shifted, she should ask herself whether she was prepared to lose her man
for the sake of the way she felt.
The emotional state she previously experienced had passed and she was
granting her emotions too much sway in the situation. She did clearly
love him still, as could be seen by the astrology; and if she wanted to
keep him then she would have to let him know by acting towards him in a
certain manner. He no longer thought that she physically wanted him as a
man and now he as a man actively disliked her, as seen by the Sun in the
detriment of Venus. Yet he also still loved her as seen by Lord 7 in
major Venus dignities.
Therefore, though her emotions were ambivalent toward him she should not allow these emotions to bluff her. She acknowledged that she did still love him as a person, as seen by her significator in Mars dignities, and admitted that she was still attracted to him as a man, as seen by her being under the Sun’s beams; it was just that she did not feel a strong emotional connection.
I explained that he still loved her as seen by his significator in Venus dignities. And yet because of how she was acting towards him he did not think she was interested in him as a man anymore. So that was why he didn’t want her as a woman, as seen by the Sun in the detriment of Venus, though he did think that he should be getting some attention from a woman as the Sun was in all Mars dignities.
She needed to act differently. Instead of paying attention to her emotional state which caused her to pull back, she should clearly show her physical attraction for him as a man. If she did this, then his response to her was likely to be different. This intellectual step back, change of direction and direct action caused a corresponding change in him: he realised that he was in real danger of losing the one he truly loves. Deciding that she would do something (different), she applied this recommended approach.
They are now happily married and have two children.
Summary
I have worked with clients through many difficulties in their relationships and helped them to choose to act differently in the circumstances and save their relationship. Often this has been against the odds and sometimes it has seemed quite miraculous, yet it remains clear that the problem of deterministic bias can be avoided. It does require a conscious decision to act in a different manner. And most importantly, to carry these actions through. God may have given us freewill, but we do still need to use it. This will often mean acting against what we might call our ‘natural’ inclination and in a different manner than usual. Initially this can be very difficult. Yet the fact remains that the outcome of a relationship need not be left to fate, whether social, genetic or astrological.
A moment of insight and clear changes in one’s own behaviour can achieve more than you can imagine. It will also teach us how limited a deterministic bias really is when it comes to trying to save your marriage.Endnotes:
1 I refer to
marriage in its old-fashioned sense. But this approach works with any
serious personal relationships.
2 ‘Under
the Sun’s beams’ is a traditional term for any planet that is
within 17½ degrees of the Sun.
3 Combustion is
when a planet is within 8½ degrees of the Sun.
Image sources:
Couples: Image by Tumisu from Pixabay
Family: Image by Gerd
Altmann from Pixabay
Published by: The Astrological Journal, Sep/Oct 2020
Author:
Andrew
McDonald is a professional astrologer. He studied music in Los
Angeles and hypnosis and psychology in London, working as an analytic
hypnotherapist. He is also an artist. His articles on astrology have been
widely published and he has clients in many countries across the world.
Andrew is the author of The Pattern of Time: Essays on Traditional
Astrology. Website: andymcdonaldartist.com.>
© Andrew McDonald, 2020
