Words as Windows or Walls: On Mars Retrograde in Gemini
by Colin Bedell
We don’t often talk enough about talking.
We don’t often discuss how to skill-build our communication strategies so that we can communicate in real time within the conversations that determine our life quality. That’s why I’m looking forward to Mars retrograde in Gemini from October 30, 2022 – January 12, 2023.
Ruth Bebermeyer said it best:
Words are windows, or they’re walls. (1)
When you think about your words, are they windows into your inner world?
Where the listener can understand your hopes, thoughts, fears, and desires? Your words can build walls too — where, because of anticipated rejection, pain, and other circumstantial stressors, you (and the rest of us) use words to self- protect.
Meanwhile, Dr. Harville Hendrix asserts that most of us were trained to speak in parallel monologues. (2) Communication as parallel monologues sounds like:
I talk. You talk. I talk. You talk. But we aren’t talking, because the parallel monologue structure prevents us from moving into interfacing dialogue. We can’t build words as windows if we’re not actively understanding who we’re listening to and the content of their communication. We’ll discuss later on why that’s harmful for relationships, but first, let’s consider what interrupts safe conversations, and what we can do about it during Mars retrograde in Gemini.
I interpret every retrograde with the “Law of Re”: we’re asked to review, rethink, reconsider, and reimagine how we inhabit the energy of the planet that’s retrograde within the story of the sign it’s transiting. Think of Mars more deeply than just fighting and fornication: it’s the planet of Desire. Psychotherapist Esther Perel defines desire as “owning [the wanting].” (3) Mars is here to help us own our wanting because Mars wants to want, and so Mars direct in Gemini wants to talk. But with Mars retrograde in Gemini, we’re invited to reimagine and rethink the way we inhabit our Martian autonomy within Gemini-governed communication. Mars retrograde in Gemini asks us to consider who we choose to be, what we choose to do, and how we choose to speak, listen, and understand in conversation with others.
I’d like to imagine this as helpful, given that the four scariest words most of us can ever read or hear said aloud are: We need to talk. The fear makes sense, because who among us was educated to communicate clearly, listen to another accurately, and broker the mutuality required to make sure all parties are understood? We all have the emotional scars to prove that talking is one of the most dangerous things we can do. That’s my concern for Mars retrograde in Gemini: we may revert to unhelpful, harmful, and unproductive manners of speaking, listening, and word-choice. This transit has the potential to put an inordinate amount of miscommunication in the air, and so I want us to be more thoughtful around how we perceive, choose words, and accurately listen.
Hopefully, the color and context around the problems that interrupt successful communication are now clear, so let’s put some frameworks and definitions on the table that generate solutions.
On Safer Conversations
Safe Conversations® — an educational institute that teaches communication skills for individuals, couples, and organizations — explores how to
talk without criticism, listen without judgment, and connect beyond differences.
Its married cofounders, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, define conflict as an objection to difference, and believe that objection to difference is the reason why we’re afraid to talk, listen, and connect. (4)
Castor and Pollux, Metropolitan Museum New York
Source: Foto Ad Meskens, CC BY-SA 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons
When I think of Mars in Gemini’s function here, I am reminded of its founding mythology. Remember, the Gemini twins, Castor and Pollux, were born to the same mother, but had different fathers. That the twins are fraternal, not identical, is compelling within this discussion. Since Gemini is the one and only mutable air sign, we know that Gemini introduces the air element in connection with that which is similar, but not the same. In terms of our conversations, it instructs us that our abilities to verbally communicate and regulate our objections to difference are both our ways back to each other.
When closely reading Gemini further, I am struck that the introduction of humanity in the zodiac appears as two people in relationship. This reminds me of what social workers and scientists alike often try to teach us all: human beings are neurobiologically hardwired for connection. We’re meant to find belonging with each other. We’re not built to experience life alone. Connection is survival. Loneliness is lethal.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development is a longitudinal study that began in 1938 and has spanned 80 years in an effort to find clues for happiness and health. Robert Waldinger, the director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, shares:
The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health ... taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation. (5)
Not dissimilarly, Perel animates her successful body of work with the idea that
the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. (6)
Empirically, we know that our relationships are life-defining and that communication within our relationships is critical. Once again, who among us was trained not just for communicative competence, but true relational optimization? This is what Mars in Gemini can help us prioritize.
As Ludwig Wittgenstein said,
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world. (7)
I propose that during Mars in Gemini, we expand our relational vocabulary and thus expand our relational world. It’s an effort, yes, but there are incentives. Safe Conversations® proposes that rethinking the way we communicate, and applying its suggestions, offers improved mental and physical health, individual and family economics, workplace productivity, and achievement and performance in school, while decreasing anxiety and depression, dependency on alcohol and drug use, crime in communities, breakdown in the family, and absenteeism in the workplace.
On Structure for Safety
So how do we turn words into windows? Safe Conversations® helps us move from parallel monologues to interfacing dialogue through a structured three-step process. Before I summarize those steps, I want to put forward a pretty radical idea that can help us connect in conversation: Just because you’re ready to talk doesn’t mean someone is ready to listen. The very first step toward safe, meaningful, and helpful conversations is something you’ve probably done before — it’s “making an appointment.”
So if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying you’re feeling [emotion] because of [behavior/circumstance]. Did I get that right?
It turns out that making an appointment is one of the most respectful, kind, and helpful steps we can take toward making our conversations safe. Think about the moments an important conversation began without you realizing it. Or without you giving the speaker permission to share important details. When our time and attention is respected, we experience less stress and defensiveness. So it’s important that we insist for ourselves and our relationships that we respectfully bid for the listener’s cognition before the conversation begins.
For example, you can begin these conversations with,
Hi, [name]. I wanted to talk to you about [topic] at some point today for roughly [expected duration]. Is now a good time? If not, can you let me know when you can chat? I’d really appreciate it.
With so many external stimuli battling for our time and attention, this step is crucial for respect and consent between you and whomever you want to have a conversation with. (However, say the emotional adrenaline is already high, or you or the listener find you don’t have the bandwidth for a critical conversation. The Gottman Institute, a research facility on relational psychodynamics, does encourage time-outs and breaks. The caveat is no longer than 24 hours after the first attempted conversation; 20–30 minutes is often enough to recharge.)
Now, back to the three-step methodology from Safe Conversations®. After the appointment is confirmed and commencing, the first step is mirroring. Mirroring means that after someone has shared their feelings, we mirror or summarize what we heard back. (And of course, this is a practice we deserve in return after significant self-disclosures too.)
In practice, this might sound like,
So if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying you’re feeling [emotion] because of [behavior/circumstance]. Did I get that right?
Mirroring is essential because it proactively prevents the consequences of miscommunication and misunderstanding. A study conducted by Safe Conversations® believes we distort approximately 87% of the communication we hear and accurately understand only 13%. (8) So mirroring lets us fact-check our listening accuracy with the speaker in a way that helps them feel heard and even self-regulate.
After the speaker confirms that we have mirrored accurately, we apply the next step, which is validation. We put the pause on the rebuttal button. We lower defensiveness. We postpone persuasion even if we disagree and begin with validation.
We can validate their perspective by saying,
What I’ve heard makes sense and you make sense. Your emotions on the matter are totally valid and I understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling because of this experience.
Remember, validation does not equal agreement. Validation is giving people the space to have their own opinions, perspective, and autonomy.
Lastly, we empathize. Empathy is when we begin to understand the emotion that underpins the experience. Nursing Scholar Theresa Wiseman believes that if we can understand the emotion that the speaker shared because we’ve experienced the emotion too, then we’re qualified to empathize. (9) (I mention this because I know many of us, myself included, might assume that in order to empathize, we must have gone through a similar experience. Not according to Wiseman’s research.)
When we practice empathy, we first remove ourselves from the story by exploring and expanding on the other person’s perspective. We ask open-ended questions in an effort to more fully comprehend the emotion that underpins the experience. Empathy thus requires that we stay out of judgment. Once we recognize the emotion in the story we’re hearing, we can next try to connect. This can sound like:
I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt. While I haven’t been through this exact situation myself, I can certainly recall times that brought up similar emotions in me. What does support look like for you in this moment?
When we mirror, validate, and empathize, we move beyond polarized parallel monologues and into Gemini-ruled dialogue. The structured approach to conversations might be a bit awkward and clunky at first, for sure. And then, like any other skill or habit, once we’ve practiced it enough, it can become something we’re fluent in fast.
On Understanding
Now that we understand the value of mirroring, validating, and empathizing, I want to make a few more distinctions about a conversation’s success to hold in our heads and hearts for Mars retrograde in Gemini.
This year, I was honored to be a guest on Kirah Tabourn’s astrology podcast The Strology Show for an episode dedicated to air signs. (10) Kirah selected three guests who have their Sun in an air sign so we could collaboratively discuss the element of air together. I have a Sun in Gemini. Cohost Hawk has their Sun in Aquarius. When Kirah asked about what Gemini is here to demonstrate, both Hawk and I said, “They just want to know!” Hawk furthered, “They just want the scoop!” I laughed, thinking about how I often muse on Gemini being the zodiac’s journalist, an impartial collector of the 4-1-1. When thinking about this idea in the field of Mars retrograde in Gemini, we ought to remember that understanding precedes quite virtually everything else in relationships, from problem-solving to advice-giving to agreement.
In conversation, it’s not always agreement that determines success: it’s the quality of the understanding. High-minded Gemini, in these spaces where tension, discomfort, and emotional activation might run high, knows how to ask the right questions in an attempt to understand — not always to facilitate agreement. In today’s often-polarized culture, we might believe that in order to have a dialogue with someone, we need to agree. And there are certain conversations where agreement is necessary, of course — but I don’t think Mars retrograde in Gemini will elevate them. Perhaps if it were Mars retrograde in contractual, sign-on-the-dotted-line Libra, but not Gemini. Gemini just wants to know.
How would our behaviors unfold differently if we went into conversation with the desire to simply understand? They’d be close to sacred. The prayer of Saint Frances — though written just over a century ago by an anonymous French writer — pleads,
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; To be understood, as to understand ...
Or as Gemini scholar Anatol Rapaport wrote in Fights, Games, and Debates,
We need to postpone persuasion until each person can state the partner’s position to the partner’s satisfaction. (11)
If, at the minimum, we did our best to simply “postpone persuasion” under Rapaport’s suggestion, I suspect we could create many win–win scenarios. Much like mirroring, summarizing another person’s point of view to their satisfaction is how we operationalize understanding. It allows us to be spaces for other people to feel seen, known, and understood. Think back to the moments where you shared something on your mind or in your heart to a listener, and they interrupted you with advice, or turned the conversation back to them. The listener became speaker before you were finished, leaving you feeling like the specificity of your story wasn’t honored, or that they didn’t care about the details.
This is why understanding is so essential. When understanding is present within a dialogue, there might not even be a call to action. But if there is, the parties present will be able to act from the clearest data and awareness. The Gottman Institute teaches us that
... the reasons for failed connection are often the result of mindlessness, not malice. (12)
I appreciate this generous insight into other people’s behavior, because it’s easy to imagine that malice is why they aren’t holding our story carefully, or going the extra mile to understand. But it’s just mindlessness. Though the impact of mindlessness is real and harmful, it’s not as charged as malice. We all have our moments of mindlessness, and reflecting on our cognitive, communicative, and relational experiences from this lens is conducive to a more positive sentiment and a generous interpretation of ours and others’ behaviors.
On “Queering”; On the Value of Questions
I’m thinking about the invisible form of air, and how much of what we’ve discussed so far might appear as lacking rigor. But I find that air points our perception to what’s hidden in plain sight. The obvious. The mundane. The micro-habits, cues, and responses we’re unconsciously employing that have macro impacts if we take the time to understand the epistemology that forms the basis of how we perceive, speak, understand, listen, and negotiate. I love analyzing the theories, models, methods, and approaches that help us create a different habit of mind.
There’s another almost-invisible resource that’s available whenever we want to use it in an effort to harmonize Mars retrograde in Gemini. What do you think it is? I just showed you in the last sentence. Have you figured it out yet? The resource is open-ended questions. Examining the subject of parallel monologues a bit more closely, this communication choreography happens when the speakers neglect to ask questions. When we want to move from parallel monologue to interfacing dialogue, we ask open questions.
We previously covered how to ask questions via mirroring when a serious dialogue needs structure. When it comes to more of a lighthearted conversation or even a small-talk moment, asking open-ended questions is one of the most effective ways to create connection. The theory of Relational Dialectics by communication scholars Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery posits that all communication exists in a three-way chronotope of time, space, and context. When we’re in conversation, we’re standing in an arena that holds time, space, and context. In an effort to make the conversation meaningful, we can glean information from time, space, and context, and ask the people we’re in connection with open-ended questions about time, space, and context.
“Small talk” often gets a bad rap, but remember that after more than two years of social distancing, we’re emotionally distanced as well. So if you want to reconnect with others in a big way, start small. Start with small talk. Even with the people you’re in longstanding relationships with. Perel writes,
I have long believed that asking better questions is the key to creating closeness ... (13)
Dr. John Gottman, cofounder of the Gottman Institute, says:
The fundamental process is really asking questions ... open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about being a Mother right now?” ... “How are you thinking about your job right now?” ... If you really want to change your life in the area of relationships in the next two weeks, try making 50% of the things you say to people a question. An open-ended question. Instead of making statements to people, ask them questions. You’ll find people really change because people rarely ask questions. It’s a very, very fundamental thing. And yet it’s a very rare thing. People mostly make statements and broadcast them asking, “What do you think about this?” (14)
What do you think about asking open-ended questions? I get a little nervous when I know I need to. And I suspect I’m not alone. The two experts I’ve included in this portion of the feature, Perel and Gottman, both have resources that can empower us to ask questions. Perel has a card game titled Where Should We Begin? that poses questions to create narrative storytelling, and the Gottman Institute has a free app called Gottman Card Decks with preselected questions for couples. You can also start this process immediately by scanning texts, email exchanges, and other correspondences between you and the people you’re interacting with for key details that need a follow-up question. It’ll help you remember the nuances of their life, and they’ll observe very mindful and connection-building behavior as you remember to ask them open-ended questions about it the next time you’re together.
Anything is possible with a different conversation. Especially if we skill-build our conversational strategies during Mars retrograde in Gemini and empower others to consider how they can improve their communication habits too. From structured approaches to lighthearted questions, different mental habits and behavior strategies help us connect in real-time with others by the power of the words we’re using and hearing. May Mars retrograding through Gemini help you build the windows to let other people see, hear, and understand you. May you see, hear, and understand others.
I feel so sentenced by your words
I feel so judged and sent away
Before I go I got to know
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?
Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.
— Ruth Bebermeyer (15)
References:
(All links accessed May 2022.)
1. M.B. Rosenberg, A. Gandhi, R. Bebermeyer, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 2nd Ed., Puddledancer Press, 2003, p. xix.
2. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, “Getting the Love You Want,” Talks at Google, December 9, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfbfHtoHqiE.
3. Chantal Perrat and Esther Perel, “The Fluidity of Desire with Esther Perel,” Emerging Women, Ep. 33, October 11, 2019, https://emergingwomen.com/podcast/esther-perel-the-fluidity-of-desire/.
4. Hendrix and Hunt, “Getting the Love You Want.”
5. L. Mineo, “Over nearly 80 years, Harvard study has been showing how to live a healthy and happy life,” Harvard Gazette, November 26, 2018, https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/.
6. Esther Perel, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives ... ” LinkedIn, Perel, November 8, 2021, https://www.linkedin.com/posts/estherperel_the-quality-of-our-relationships-determines-activity-6863562124287975424-9LJe
7. L. Wittgenstein, L. Bazzocchi, and P. Hacker, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus: Centenary Edition (Anthem Studies in Wittgenstein), Anthem Press, 2021, p. 86.
8. Hendrix and Hunt, “Getting the Love You Want.”
9. T. Wiseman, “A concept analysis of empathy,” Journal of Advanced Nursing, 23(6), 1996, pp. 1162–67, https://doi.org/10.1046/j.1365- 2648.1996.12213.x.
10. Kirah Tabourn, “Air Signs: With Mercurius George, Hawk Grubb & Colin Bedell,” in The Strology Show, February 23, 2022, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQOP_3HkyF4.
11. J.M Gottman and J.S. Gottman, “Gottman-Rapoport Intervention,” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/55bbdcf9e4b0c50a1d8402c7/t/5bc4cf210d92979df65514b5/1539624737634/ Gottman+Rapoport.pdf.
12. E. Lisitsa, “‘Sliding Door’ Moments,” The Gottman Institute, February 12, 2021, https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last-sliding-door-moments/.
13. Dr. John Gottman, “Making Marriage Work,” January 13, 2018, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg/.
14. Ibid.
15. Rosenberg et al., Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, p. xix.
First published in: The Mountain Astrologer, Libra Nox 2022.
Author:
Colin Bedell is a queer Gemini Twin from Long Island, NY. He’s a passionate student of secular personal-growth systems, and the universal spiritual themes explored in A Course in Miracles. Well & Good listed Colin as one of the most influential people in the wellness industry and as a 2020 Innovator. Complementing his work with QueerCosmos, Colin is the weekly horoscope writer for Cosmopolitan.com. He’s authored the bestseller A Little Bit of Astrology (Sterling Publishers, 2018), Queer Cosmos: The Astrology of Queer Identities & Relationships (Cleis Press, 2019), and Gemini (Sterling, 2020). He can be reached via: https://sub.queercosmos.co
© 2022 - Colin Bedell
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